Tuesday, September 14, 2010

For No Reason

It is true that when things quiet down, you can better hear the universe.

On Saturday morning, I thought about my single state. Wouldn't it be better financially to try to have a partner? I don't make much of an effort—maybe I should make more of one?

Then I went to the grocery store, and as I was walking through the bakery section, I heard a woman talking to her children, playfully saying, “Come on, tell Daddy to hurry to catch up!” The “Daddy” in question was not so playful, told her to shut up, and proceeded to angrily throw something into the shopping cart, making every effort to avoid eye contact with his wife. There was that pouty look of an angry little boy on his face, throwing a temper tantrum. His wife, doing the thing females are taught to do, tried to smooth things over with him, but he would have none of it. She walked away looking awkward and anxious. Remembering my own marriage—and I didn't even have the complication of kids—I felt sorry for her.

I moved on, feeling grateful to be single.

Last week I learned that John Foxx is doing another gig, this time at the Troxy in London, in December. This gave me great anxiety, as I am really quite poor right now, and the thought of buying a ticket for the show, booking a hotel, getting a PLANE ticket—all expenses I can’t afford. But the answer to the unspoken question was “go”, so I bought the venue ticket, and felt I could wait on the plane fare til next month. Money will show up, or I could use frequent flier miles if I’m desperate. The only other thing that remained was a hotel, and I decided to book a night at a nearby retreat center that was also a B&B (and quite cheap). Also, it's a stone's throw away from the Troxy. They were full on the night of the 3rd, but promised to get in touch if there were cancellations. The whole next week I told myself I should make a backup reservation at the nearby Holiday Inn, but that little “voice” I hear when I'm quiet said, “Nah, wait”. So, I dawdled.

I was determined to make the booking today. Just as I was about to book the room at Holiday Inn, I got the feeling I should open my e-mail. When I did, I found a message from the retreat center; they now had an opening on the 3rd, and did I still want it?

Amma once said, “Do you want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.”

A friend and I commiserated over the weekend about the appalling economic state of the country, and our own personal concerns in this area. “I have given up,” she said. “What else can I do? I've done everything I can do. What comes, comes.”


And that's the point at which solutions present themselves. You don't find them. They find you. That's how surrender works.


Mark said...

Absolutely brilliant. This is my favorite blog post of yours, I think.

It moved me. Your last paragraph is amazing. Like, almost as good as the end of Gatsby amazing.

Bravo. Enjoy your goddamn concert!

Brigid N. Burke said...

Thanks, Mark! I get few blog comments overall, so it's nice to know that people find something of value in them--especially people like yourself, whose opinion I value.

I had some follow-up thoughts when I woke up this morning. I'll have to put those in the next posting.

(And keep posting those great shows on your blog!) :)